New post? Last post! I want some post!!

They think it’s all over… because it actually is. We are now far, far away from the exotic (or at the very least, quite a way away) lands in which we travelled, and are back in London town full of its rudeness and internet cafes we can actually afford.

As this blog was supposed to be a travel blog (although this definition, we know, has been disputed), and our travels have come to an end, it should be obvious to all that this blog is going the same way. We are at a loss as to how to end this blog of a grand THIRTEEN posts (we know, we’re impressed with the vast quantity of our writing too) so thought we’d make a catchy list of our favourite days of the last month for you to enjoy. And if you don’t enjoy it, we reckon its only coz you’re jealous.

We may only have been travelling for a month, but for our whole lives we’ll never forget…

· The day we met someone openly pro-Bush.
· The day someone told C she looked like Lindsey Lohan (she couldn’t look less like Lindsey Lohan).
· The day the seats on an overnight train collapsed on our heads and we nearly died.
· The day we met a member of the French aristocracy who told me I couldn’t marry him as my father couldn’t pay a €1 million dowry.
· The day we spent €10 on two bread rolls that tasted of lavender, and as such, were inedible and we had to throw away despite desperate attempt to salvage them with Nutella’s less than tasty Italian cousin ‘La Crema’.
· The day Charlotte contracted a parasitic skin disease: ring worm.
· The day we went to hospital in Venice with Charlotte’s ring worm and were told by the man in casualty reception: “If you spoke Italian I’d understand”. We thought this obvious.
· The day we stood next to a Neanderthal child in the queue for the Reichstag who C got scarily close to hitting and only didn't because she thought it might hinder her aspirations to teach children.
· The day some Canadians told us we “sounding really clever” because we “spoke like we were writing a descriptive essay” as we used words like “novelty”.
· The day an American told us Mr Bean was American, swiftly followed by: “you have a British version of The Office?”
· The day we were told that ‘Charlotte’ meant toilet in Polish.
· The day we ran (literally) away from some (more) annoying Australian men in Croatia.
· The day we survived a 16 hour overnight (and overday) train which I spent cutting dead skin off my feet with a pen knife I have affectionately, and much to Charlotte's disgust, named 'Penny'.
· The day we were told, very angrily (as one might expect) by the hostel manager, George, that we had very nearly burnt down his hostel and I laughed in his face.
· The day we nearly died of hunger in the Vatican.

You never know, we might think of some more and add them in days, weeks (and hopefully not years) to come - although, we concede, the chances of this are slim.

All there is left to say now is thank you to the very small amount of people who have read this blog over the last month or so... and we do hope you don't miss our excessive use of brackets too much.

K and C xxx

A pair of very dirty girls.

Upon boarding the plane for our impending return to the country of rain C and I were more than a little bemused that our bags weighed 5kg more than when we left for the countries of suns. For most people, we appreciate, this would not be a bemusing incident as most people buy lots of shit when they are away. Unfortunately for us we have no money to call our own and so could not buy much shit at all; in fact, all we had gained were two small bags of gifts for our dearest (who are now, for the first time in a month, actually pretty near).

Since returning we have weighed these small bags of gifts and they both come to less than 1kg each. We would also like to point out that on our month away we have used a lot of toiletries. You want a list? Oh ok; items that were destined never to return to the UK include: shampoo, shower gel (a Polish brand called "Fa" incidentally, and had "50% extra yoghurt" - we never knew whether to be delighted or perturbed by this news), deodorant, body spray, dry shampoo, conditioner and a few other lotions and potions that our battered shoulders could not face carrying home. (Turns out that the extra weight was taken its toll as my shoulders had turned from brown to blue; t-shirts are now my friends).

We have therefore, for those out there who struggle with maths, managed to pick up 4kg from somewhere we know not where. We have concluded, after much Sherlock-esq inductions, that the 4kg comprise solely of dirt.(The power of this induction is strengthened by the fact that when in Dubrovnik we washed some clothes in the bath and the water went black. So we emptied it out and tried again and it went black. So we gave up.)

As such, we are both (in our respective residents - don’t get excited) now going to wash that 4kg of dirt out of our clothes (and probably a couple more out of our hair).

"Everyone dies alone."

We are pleased to announce that there is something about home we are looking forward to returning to (except for family, boyfriend, friends blah blah blah) and this is the lack of public displays of affection, European style.

Now, bitter and twisted we may be, but even we can deal with a little bit of lovin'; the operative word here, however, is little. In Europe, with regards to the outdoor passion that is pashing, this word appears to have been lost in translation. Literally everywhere we have been, and everywhere we look we are greeted with the pleasant sights of (wait for it):

petting, fondling, straddling, eating, sucking, nibbling, rubbing, tickling, stroking, licking, grinding and even blatant intercourse in some less than reputable venues (thanks to C for that list).

Now, as previously stated, we don't mind a peck or two. This can even be endearing on certain situations (well, maybe just at weddings). What we have a problem with are (C again:) "the couples who force love into the air"; which, C exclaims passionately: "I am trying to breathe".

Roll on Britain with its loveless air and breathable atmosphere of solitude and hatred. After all, C again proclaims: "everyone dies alone".

I can only apologise for the bitterness of the above, and get the impression from C's input over the last few minutes that C is not, currently, in the mood for lovin'.

Petty theft as we type....

We intended this to be a nice long blog after the horrific shortness of the last, and yet this, my friends, is not to be. The reason being that we are currently getting RIPPED OFF FROM UNDER OUR VERY NOSES at the cost of using the internet.... (I am starting to develop the opinion that the internet should be free and available to all like tap water and public toilets.)

Although the actual cost of internet use per minute is less than, say, Dubrovnik (which was true daylight robbery), our problem with Italy is the speed; or should I say lack of. I am going to have to press "publish post" a good five minutes before my time is up simply to ensure the post's success.

As I currently have six minutes and 4 seconds (3...2...) left, and counting - as you can see - it's nearly time to sign off. However, we both wish to point out that although the last few blogs have been slightly moany, we are actually having an amazing time in Italy and are becoming increasingly depressed at our impending return to the wet, windy, cold, sarcastic UK. The bitterness of our blogs might have something to do with the fact that in the last week we have seen the price of beer rise from 80p per litre (Prague) to £11 (Venice)... bastards!

Bloody French.

We have just been told that collectively we sound disgusting when we clean our teeth. And they (the smelly French boys who loved informing us of this) didn't just mention it once, they literally went on about how awful we were for hours... impressions and animated hand gestures n all.

The classic quote of the evening so far: “It made us feel sick. We were so grateful that you closed the bathroom door when you went for a wee, although we didn’t expect you to”. Bloody French.

The rubbishist "travel blog" in the world.

As previously mentioned, we have a very low readership of only our close friends and a few people we have bribed into reading the blog along our travels. However, two of this limited readership have made a complaint regarding the blog, and as the numbers were talking about are so small two is actually a very large percentage. As such, we feel the need to deal with these complaints head on - we know, we think our customer service is excellent too.

The complaint is that this blog is supposed to be a travel blog and as yet we have mentioned very little about the places we have visited; surely the whole point of a travel blog, non? Non! In actual fact, if we talked about the places we visited we have a feeling our readership would be even less than it is today... a scarily real possibility.

This is because we are only travelling around Europe; Christopher Columbus we are not. Another reason is if we did give in to peer pressure and describe the places we have been they would ALL go as follows:

"Got up early in [insert European destination here] after long train journey and subsequent night out. The weather is beautiful unlike in England, ha. We went to a gallery, which was interesting although expensive to get in. We went to a museum, which was interesting although expensive to get in. We ate some lunch consisting of crisps, bread and cheese... eat your heart out Gordon, and possibly accompany it with Nutella, another favourite cuisine of ours.

We went to a Jewish quarter which was "super Jewy" (some American Jews that we’ve met taught us this term…), interesting and not expensive at all. We quite possibly stumbled upon a Jewish ghetto, which was interesting but depressing. We went to a cathedral, which was interesting (although these appear to be getting less and less interesting as our travels continue).

We inevitably ended our day in the Old Town which was quaint and picturesque. We went to the castle in the Old Town which was quaint and picturesque. We ate a tea consisting of pasta. We went for a night out, to refuel ourselves for the next day."

We are currently in Florence, and if you are interested in what Florence is like just insert Florence as the European destination above (although, probably best if you replace the super Jewy bits with more Cathedrals; although I regret to admit to “super Christiany” hardly has the same ring).

The 'Internet Park' of dreams.

We are currently sat in the middle of a park in Croatia, and we’re not on a laptop. How, you might ask, are we writing this if we are not on a laptop? Well we’re in ‘internet park’ - a groundbreaking Croatian invention which involves putting a lot of desk top computers in random positions throughout the middle of a park. We have a feeling this invention will not take off in England due to the large amount of British rain and petty theft. Apparently, Croatia suffers from neither... The internet park lives on!

As internet parks also cost a lot of money (and someone on a computer close to us has just decided to listen to heavy metal) our use of said internet park is to be short but sweet.

We have to mention a couple of people we have met along our trip who promised to read the blog; so hello Carlo and Howard (we will reply soon, but thought this should suffice for now). Also Danny, you are still not forgiven for saying my hair looked "unattractive".

Some might think that mentioning people’s names just to increase readership is a desperate ploy close to bribery. We couldn’t agree more, but currently our readership is less than 30 as so we are more than happy to oblige.

Stay tuned for photos of the amazing 'internet park' (when we get round to downloading them) - a place where dreams are made.